Gabriel Shear's Discourse

You know what the problem with Hollywood is? They make shit. Unbelievable, unremarkable shit. Now I'm not some grungy wannabe filmmaker that's searching for existentialism through a haze of bong smoke or something. No, it's easy to pick apart bad acting, short-sighted directing, and a purely moronic stringing together of words that many of the studios term as "prose". No, I'm talking about the lack of realism. Realism; not a pervasive element in today's modern American cinematic vision. Take Dog Day Afternoon, for example. Arguably Pacino's best work, short of Scarface and Godfather Part 1, of course. Masterpiece of directing, easily Lumet's best. The cinematography, the acting, the screenplay, all top-notch. But... they didn't push the envelope. Now what if in Dog Day, Sonny REALLY wanted to get away with it? What if - now here's the tricky part - what if he started killing hostages right away? No mercy, no quarter. "Meet our demands or the pretty blonde in the bellbottoms gets it the back of the head." Bam, splat! What, still no bus? Come on! How many innocent victims splattered across a window would it take to have the city reverse its policy on hostage situations? And this is 1976; there's no CNN, there's no CNBC, there's no internet! Now fast forward to today, present time, same situation. How quickly would the modern media make a frenzy over this? In a matter of hours, it'd be biggest story from Boston to Budapest! Ten hostages die, twenty, thirty; bam bam, right after another, all caught in high-def, computer-enhanced, color corrected. You can practically taste the brain matter. All for what? A bus, a plane? A couple of million dollars that's federally insured? I don't think so. Just a thought. I mean, it's not within the realm of conventional cinema... but what if?
-- Gabriel Shear, Operation: Swordfish (2001)

Lurleen Lumpkin Quotes: Your Wife Don't Understand You

Your wife don't understand you,
But I do.
No, your wife don't understand you,
But I do.
I said no one understands you,
But I do.
-- Lurleen Lumpkin, singing Your Wife Don't Understand You, "Colonel Homer" (8F19), The Simpsons (1992)

Party Posse Tunes 4: "Let's Re-Up Tonight"

Milhouse Van Houten: Had a girl in every port
From here to Barcelona.

Nelson Muntz: But now I'm docked in Springfield,
And, girl, I'm gonna phone ya.

Ralph Wiggum: Stormed a lot of beaches,
But you're the one that I missed.

Bart Simpson: Let's get back together, girl!
Let's re-enlist!

Party Posse: So sign me up for a hitch of love.
Recruit my heart.
Four sweet years of love...
Let's march all day
And clean latrines all night.
Don't bust me down.
Let's re-up tonight!
Let's re-up tonight!
-- Party Posse "Let's Re-Up Tonight", "New Kids on the Blecch" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Party Posse Tunes 3: "Drop Da Bomb"

Party Posse: Oh, say can you rock?

Milhouse Van Houten: There's trouble in a far-off nation.

Ralph Wiggum: Time to get in love formation.

Bart Simpson: Your love's more deadly than Saddam.

Nelson Muntz: That's why I've got to drop da bomb.
-- Party Posse "Drop Da Bomb", "New Kids On The Blecch" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Anton Ego's Scathing Review (That Cost Gusteau A Star)

Gusteau has finally found his rightful place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.
-- Anton Ego's scathing review of Gusteau's Restaurant, Ratouille

Party Posse Tunes 2: "Spell Out What You Mean To Me"

Bart Simpson: I saw you last night at the spelling bee.

Milhouse Van Houten: I knew right then it was L-U-V.

Nelson Muntz: I gotta spell out what you mean to me.

Ralph Wiggum: 'Cause I can no longer be... a silent 'G'.

Party Posse: I've gotta spell out what...

Ralph Wiggum: I gotta spell out what...

Party Posse: I've gotta spell out what you mean to me.
-- Party Posse "Spell Out What You Mean To Me", "New Kids On The Bleech" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Party Posse Tunes: "Special Girl"

Party Posse: Party Posse, we rule the Earth.
The greatest band since music's birth.

Mulhouse Van Houten: We love to sweat, and we love to sing.

Nelson Muntz: We're real funky but nonthreatening.

Ralph Wiggum: We're the best band in the world.

Bart Simpson: But we'd give it all up for that special girl.

Party Posse: You're my special girl.

Nelson Muntz: Special girl!

Party Posse: You're my special girl.

Nelson Muntz: Only you.
-- Party Posse "Special Girl", "New Kids On The Blecch" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Songs of Sadgasm 3: "Margerine"

Spread yellow gunk
On my pancake heart
Country-churned girl
in my grocery cart
I paid for her dreams.
She taught me to cry.
Like watery knives,
like rain from my eyes.
I can't believe you're not mine.
I can't believe you're not mine.
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
-- Sadgasm "Margerine", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Y U No Read Me The Miranda Rights?

Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
-- Shrek 2

Songs of Sadgasm 2: "Shave Me" + Parody

Razorblade of apathy
Shave me with your irony.
Shave me! Shave Me!
-- Sadgasm "Shave Me", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

The Weird Al Parody...

Raisin bread with applesauce
Tony Danza he's the boss
Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!
-- "Weird Al" Yankovic "Brain Freeze", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Songs of Sadgasm: "Politically Incorrect"

Pain is brown.
Hate is white.
Love is black.
Stab the night.
Kingdom of numb.
Closet of hurt.
Feelings are dumb.
Kisses are dirt.
-- Sadgasm "Politically Incorrect", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Homer's Near Forgetfulness of Valentine's Day

(Marge hands out plate of bacon and eggs spelling "I love you")

Marge Simpson: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.

Homer Simpson: (thinking) Special day? Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? Oh, that's crazy talk! She's getting impatient. Take a stab at it! (out loud) Happy... Valentine's Day.

Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you, dear!

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
-- "I Love Lisa" (9F13), The Simpsons (1993)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYBODY

Homer on Stupid Risks

Stupid risks are what make life worth living. Now your mother, she's the steady type and that's fine in small doses, but me, I'm a risktaker. That's why I have so many adventures!
-- Homer Simpson, "Lost Our Lisa" (5F17), The Simpsons (1998)

Rumplestiltskin's Deal of a Lifetime Speech

Hello, people. It is I, Rumplestiltskin, shepard of your dreams. Recently a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre shall receive the deal of a lifetime. Just think of it! Total and complete happiness! Dazzling, radiant fulfullment! All your greatest wishes. Your wildest dreams. Anything you could ever want. No strings attached! But hurry, this is a limited time offer. So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on!
-- Rumplestiltskin, Shrek Forever After (2010)

Everybody Loves Ned Flanders - Love That God

(Ned sees Todd and Rod praying)

Ned Flanders: Knock that off, you two. It's time for church.

Todd Flanders: We're not going to church today.

Ned Flanders: What? You give me one good reason.

Todd Flanders: It's Saturday!

Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-do!
-- "The Front" (9F16), The Simpsons (1993)

Tom Petty's Mindless / Generic Rock Song Lyrics

See that drunk girl speedin' down the street?
She's worried 'bout the state of public schools.
She likes to party, she like to rock,
She prays that our schools don't run out of chalk!
-- Tom Petty, "How I Spent My Strummer Vacation" (DABF22), The Simpsons (2002)

Moe's "Stupid Moron..." Prank Call

Hey everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
-- Moe Szyslak, being prank called by Bart Simpson "Treehouse of Horror II" (8F02), The Simpsons (1991)