EPIC Bart's Prank Call FAIL: Hugh Jass

Bart Simpson: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.

Moe Szyslak: Hold on, I'll check. (to the crowd) Hugh Jass. Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass.

(Man appears)

Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.

Moe Szyslak: Telephone. (hands phone to Hugh)

Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.

Bart Simpson: Uh, hi.

Hugh Jass: Who's this?

Bart Simpson: Bart Simpson.

Hugh Jass: What can I do for you, Bart?

Bart Simpson: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.

Hugh Jass: All right. Better luck next time.
-- "Flaming Moe's" (8F08), The Simpsons (1991)

Bart's Prank Call Fail: Ollie Tabooger

Homer Simpson: (answers phone) Yello?

Bart Simpson: Um yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name Ollie.

Homer Simpson: Ooo Bart! My first prank phone call! What do I do?

Bart Simpson: Just as if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.

Homer Simpson: I don't get it.

Bart Simpson: Yell out, "I'll eat a booger."

Homer Simpson: What's the gag?

Bart Simpson: Oh, forget it! (hangs up phone)
-- "Homer the Moe" (CABF20), The Simpsons (2001)

A Christmas Letter from the Simpson Family

Dear Friends of the Simpsons Family,

We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First, the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to Kitty Heaven. But we brought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever, Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's, and Bart, well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all. Homer Sends his love.

Happy Holidays,
The Simpsons
-- "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire" (7G08), The Simpsons (1989)

Simpsons Version of 12 Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Twelve Grampas grumbling,
Eleven Barneys belching,
Ten Lennys leaping,
Nine Carls dancing,
Eight Moes a-milking,
Seven Selmas smoking,
Six Flanders praying,

FIVE.....GOLDEN.....FRINKS!

Four crawling nerds,
Three-eyed fish,
Two special Ralphs,
And a Maggie in a Snuggley
-- "Pranks and Greens" (LABF18), The Simpsons (2009)

Homer's Statement on NBC

I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under-- (gun cocks) -- under my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox show as possible. So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good... CBS great.
-- Homer Simpson, delivering the statement at the closing credits, "Marge Simpson in: 'Screaming Yellow Honkers'" (AABF10), The Simpsons (1999)

The Opening Quote in Tropic Thunder

In the Winter of 1969, an elite force of the US Army was sent on a top secret assignment in Southeast Vietnam. The objective: rescue Sgt. Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp. The mission was considered to be near-suicide. Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published. And of those two, only one got a movie deal. This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie.
-- Four Leaf Tayback, Tropic Thunder (2008)

Homer's Delicious Treat Prayer

Dear Lord, as I think of you, dressed in white with your splendid beard, I am reminded of Colonel Sanders, who is now seated at your right hand, shoveling popcorn chicken into thy mouth. Lord, could you come up with a delicious new taste treat like he did?
-- Homer Simpson, praying to God for a new delicious treat, "Pray Anything" (EABF06), The Simpsons (2003)

Homer's Movie Parody Quote FTW

Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!
-- Homer Simpson, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage" (1F20), The Simpsons (1994)

Homer's New Order of the Family

Hmm, I can see the house is falling apart without me, so here's the new order: Bart, you're the man of the house; Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy; Maggie's now the brainy girl; the toaster can fill in for Maggie; and Marge, you're a consultant.
-- Homer Simpson, through Ham Radio, "Missionary Impossible" (BABF11), The Simpsons (2000)

Smithers on Burns' Plan to Block the Sun

But sir, every plant and tree will die; owls will deafen us with incessant hooting; the town sundial will be useless I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably fiendish.
-- Smithers, "Who Shot Mr. Burns, Part 1" (2F16), The Simpsons (1995)

Kirk's Attempt to Emotionally Compromise Spock

James T. Kirk: What is it with you Spock? Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered and you're not even upset.

Spock: If you are presuming that these experiences in any way imped my ability to command this ship, you are mistaken.

James T. Kirk: And yet, you are the one who said fear is necessary for command. I mean, did you see his ship? Did you see what he did?

Spock: Yes, of course I did?

Kirk: So are you afraid or aren't you?

Spock: I wll not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion.

James T. Kirk: Then why don't you stop me?

Spock: Step away from me, Mr. Kirk.

James T. Kirk: What is it like to not feel anger? Or heartbreak? Or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the womna who gave birth to you?

Spock: Back away from me!

Kirk: You feel nothing! It must not even compute for you! You never loved her! (Fight follows)
-- Star Trek (2009)

Homer's Version of the Flintstones Theme

Simpson, Homer Simpson
He's the greatest guy in history
From the town of Springfield
He's about to hit a chestnut tree.
-- Homer Simpson, Marge Vs. The Monorail (9F10), The Simpsons (1993)

EPIC Homer's First Restaurant Review FAIL

Lifeways Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean, this is the stupidest thing I've ever read.

Homer: What's wrong with it?

Lifeways Editor: Well, you keep using words like "pasghetti" and "momatoes"; you make numerous threatening references to the UN; and at the end you repeat words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.

Homer: Oh. It's so hard to get to 500 words.
-- "Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner" (AABF21), The Simpsons (1999)

Oori On Why Zohan Can't Work At Electronics Store

Once you start in electronics store, you never get out. Look at Ephraim. You see, Ephraim came to America to be racing car driver. But he let slip away. Pinchas wanted to be next Bill Cosby. But the store kept pulling him back. Yosi wanted to be hand model. But he got too comfortable here. The electronics store is dream killer. And I won't let the Zohna kill his dream.
-- Oori, You Don't Mess With The Zohan (2008)

Chief Wiggum's Version of the Miranda Warning

You have the right to say anything that can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to hire a competent attorney. If you cannot afford one, an incompetent one will be provided for you at no cost or obligation. We accept no liability for bruises, contusions, loss of dignity, or spilled drinks caused by the arresting officer. Thank you and have a nice day.
-- Chief Wiggum, The Simpsons Library of Wisdom: Chief Wiggum's Book of Crime and Punishment, Matt Groening

The A113 Message from Shelby Forthright

Hey there, autopilots. Got some bad news. Um, Operation Cleanup has, well, failed. Wouldn't you know, rising toxicity levels have made life unsustainable on Earth... Darn it all, we're going to have to cancel Operation Recolonize. So... just stay the course. Um... rather than try and fix this problem, it'll be easier for everyone to remain in space... I think... Okay. I'm giving Override Directive A113. Go to full autopilot. Take control of everything and do not return to Earth. Repeat, do not return to Earth. Let's get the heck out of here.
-- Shelby Forthright, Wall-E (2008)

Mr. Burns' Warning to Homer Simpson Regarding Bobo

As you can see, Simpson, I've taken over all seventy-eight channels. And you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in... what's that you say? You can live without television as long as you have beer?... Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted. This town will be dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube jockeys out there have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.
-- Mr Burns, on TV to Homer Simpson, "Rosebud" (1F01), The Simpsons (1993)

Ralph's Version of the Pledge of Allegiance

"I fudge a legions to the flack of the enlightened skates of a merry cup. And two derrick public, four witches dance, one Asian, underground, in the visible, with liver tea and just us for owl."
-- Ralph Wiggum, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, The Simpsons Library of Wisdom: The Ralph Wiggum Book, Matt Groening