Lurleen Lumpkin Quotes: Your Wife Don't Understand You

Your wife don't understand you,
But I do.
No, your wife don't understand you,
But I do.
I said no one understands you,
But I do.
-- Lurleen Lumpkin, singing Your Wife Don't Understand You, "Colonel Homer" (8F19), The Simpsons (1992)

Songs of Sadgasm 3: "Margerine"

Spread yellow gunk
On my pancake heart
Country-churned girl
in my grocery cart
I paid for her dreams.
She taught me to cry.
Like watery knives,
like rain from my eyes.
I can't believe you're not mine.
I can't believe you're not mine.
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
-- Sadgasm "Margerine", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Songs of Sadgasm 2: "Shave Me" + Parody

Razorblade of apathy
Shave me with your irony.
Shave me! Shave Me!
-- Sadgasm "Shave Me", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

The Weird Al Parody...

Raisin bread with applesauce
Tony Danza he's the boss
Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!
-- "Weird Al" Yankovic "Brain Freeze", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Songs of Sadgasm: "Politically Incorrect"

Pain is brown.
Hate is white.
Love is black.
Stab the night.
Kingdom of numb.
Closet of hurt.
Feelings are dumb.
Kisses are dirt.
-- Sadgasm "Politically Incorrect", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Homer's Near Forgetfulness of Valentine's Day

(Marge hands out plate of bacon and eggs spelling "I love you")

Marge Simpson: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.

Homer Simpson: (thinking) Special day? Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? Oh, that's crazy talk! She's getting impatient. Take a stab at it! (out loud) Happy... Valentine's Day.

Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you, dear!

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
-- "I Love Lisa" (9F13), The Simpsons (1993)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYBODY

Homer on Stupid Risks

Stupid risks are what make life worth living. Now your mother, she's the steady type and that's fine in small doses, but me, I'm a risktaker. That's why I have so many adventures!
-- Homer Simpson, "Lost Our Lisa" (5F17), The Simpsons (1998)

Tom Petty's Mindless / Generic Rock Song Lyrics

See that drunk girl speedin' down the street?
She's worried 'bout the state of public schools.
She likes to party, she like to rock,
She prays that our schools don't run out of chalk!
-- Tom Petty, "How I Spent My Strummer Vacation" (DABF22), The Simpsons (2002)

Lisa's Opinion of the Cooders

I was wrong about the Cooders, Dad. They're the nicest of all the transients you've ever brought home.
-- Lisa Simpson, on the Cooders, "Bart Carny" (5F08), The Simpsons (1998)

Lisa's Letter From Kamp Krusty

Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes hve come grim death marches. Our arts and crafts center is, in acutuality, a Dickensian workhouse. Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief that Krusty the Clown will come through. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not sure if this letter will reach you as our lines of communication have been cut. Now, the effort of writing has made me lightheaded. So I close by saying, SAVE US! SAVE US NOW!
-- Lisa Simpson, "Kamp Krusty" (8F24), The Simpsons (1992)

What Homer Said To Godfrey Jones

From "Homer: Badman" (2F06), The Simpsons (1994)
Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on the gummy Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy... I just wish I had another one right now!
-- Homer Simpson to Godfrey Jones

Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on (*) her (*) sweet can. (*) I grabbed (*) her (*) sweet can. (*) Oh, just thinking about (*) her (*) can (*) I just wish I had (*) her (*) her (*) sweet (*) sweet (*) s-s-s-sweet (*) can.
-- Homer Simpson's statement, "Rock Bottom" version

Weird Al's Simpsons End Credits Song Lyrics

That's the story 'bout Homer and Marge,
Two folks I helped out for a nominal charge,
After Homer went gay, they patched up their schism,
But the dude never dealt with his alcoholism!
"Weird Al" say a...
Oh yeah, the credits go on,
Long after the viewer's interest is gone.
Oh yeah, "Weird Al" had fun on this show,
Even if it was just a brief cameo!
-- Weird Al Yankovic, "Three Gays of the Condo" (EABF12), The Simpsons (2003)

EPIC Bart's Prank Call FAIL: Hugh Jass

Bart Simpson: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.

Moe Szyslak: Hold on, I'll check. (to the crowd) Hugh Jass. Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass.

(Man appears)

Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.

Moe Szyslak: Telephone. (hands phone to Hugh)

Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.

Bart Simpson: Uh, hi.

Hugh Jass: Who's this?

Bart Simpson: Bart Simpson.

Hugh Jass: What can I do for you, Bart?

Bart Simpson: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.

Hugh Jass: All right. Better luck next time.
-- "Flaming Moe's" (8F08), The Simpsons (1991)

Bart's Prank Call Fail: Ollie Tabooger

Homer Simpson: (answers phone) Yello?

Bart Simpson: Um yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name Ollie.

Homer Simpson: Ooo Bart! My first prank phone call! What do I do?

Bart Simpson: Just as if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.

Homer Simpson: I don't get it.

Bart Simpson: Yell out, "I'll eat a booger."

Homer Simpson: What's the gag?

Bart Simpson: Oh, forget it! (hangs up phone)
-- "Homer the Moe" (CABF20), The Simpsons (2001)

A Christmas Letter from the Simpson Family

Dear Friends of the Simpsons Family,

We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First, the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to Kitty Heaven. But we brought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever, Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's, and Bart, well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all. Homer Sends his love.

Happy Holidays,
The Simpsons
-- "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire" (7G08), The Simpsons (1989)

Homer's Statement on NBC

I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under-- (gun cocks) -- under my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox show as possible. So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good... CBS great.
-- Homer Simpson, delivering the statement at the closing credits, "Marge Simpson in: 'Screaming Yellow Honkers'" (AABF10), The Simpsons (1999)

Homer's Delicious Treat Prayer

Dear Lord, as I think of you, dressed in white with your splendid beard, I am reminded of Colonel Sanders, who is now seated at your right hand, shoveling popcorn chicken into thy mouth. Lord, could you come up with a delicious new taste treat like he did?
-- Homer Simpson, praying to God for a new delicious treat, "Pray Anything" (EABF06), The Simpsons (2003)

Homer's Movie Parody Quote FTW

Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!
-- Homer Simpson, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage" (1F20), The Simpsons (1994)

Homer's New Order of the Family

Hmm, I can see the house is falling apart without me, so here's the new order: Bart, you're the man of the house; Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy; Maggie's now the brainy girl; the toaster can fill in for Maggie; and Marge, you're a consultant.
-- Homer Simpson, through Ham Radio, "Missionary Impossible" (BABF11), The Simpsons (2000)

Homer's Version of the Flintstones Theme

Simpson, Homer Simpson
He's the greatest guy in history
From the town of Springfield
He's about to hit a chestnut tree.
-- Homer Simpson, Marge Vs. The Monorail (9F10), The Simpsons (1993)

EPIC Homer's First Restaurant Review FAIL

Lifeways Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean, this is the stupidest thing I've ever read.

Homer: What's wrong with it?

Lifeways Editor: Well, you keep using words like "pasghetti" and "momatoes"; you make numerous threatening references to the UN; and at the end you repeat words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.

Homer: Oh. It's so hard to get to 500 words.
-- "Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner" (AABF21), The Simpsons (1999)