Lisa on Self Improvement

Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix. It's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery.
-- Lisa Simpson, "Bart's Inner Child" (1F05), The Simpsons (1993)

Bart's Chalkboard Gags of Season 1

From The Simpsons, Season One (1990):

I will not waste chalk. -- "Bart the Genius" (7G02), 1/14/1990

I will not skateboard in the halls. -- "Homer's Odessey" (7G03), 1/21/1990

I will not burp in class. -- "There's No Disgrace Like Home" (7G04), 1/28/1990

I will not instigate revolution. -- "Moaning Lisa" (7G06), 2/11/1990

I will not draw naked ladies in class. -- "The Call of the Simpsons" (7G09), 2/18/1990

I did not see Elvis. -- "The Telltale Head" (7G07), 2/25/1990

I will not call my teacher "hot cakes". -- "Homer's Night Out" (7G10), 3/25/1990

Garlic gum is not funny. -- "The Crepes of Wrath" (7G13), 4/15/1990

They are laughing at me, not with me. -- "Krusty Gets Busted" (7G12), 4/29/1990

I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom. -- "Some Enchanted Evening" (7G01), 5/13/1990

Lurleen Lumpkin Quotes: Your Wife Don't Understand You

Your wife don't understand you,
But I do.
No, your wife don't understand you,
But I do.
I said no one understands you,
But I do.
-- Lurleen Lumpkin, singing Your Wife Don't Understand You, "Colonel Homer" (8F19), The Simpsons (1992)

Party Posse Tunes 4: "Let's Re-Up Tonight"

Milhouse Van Houten: Had a girl in every port
From here to Barcelona.

Nelson Muntz: But now I'm docked in Springfield,
And, girl, I'm gonna phone ya.

Ralph Wiggum: Stormed a lot of beaches,
But you're the one that I missed.

Bart Simpson: Let's get back together, girl!
Let's re-enlist!

Party Posse: So sign me up for a hitch of love.
Recruit my heart.
Four sweet years of love...
Let's march all day
And clean latrines all night.
Don't bust me down.
Let's re-up tonight!
Let's re-up tonight!
-- Party Posse "Let's Re-Up Tonight", "New Kids on the Blecch" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Party Posse Tunes 3: "Drop Da Bomb"

Party Posse: Oh, say can you rock?

Milhouse Van Houten: There's trouble in a far-off nation.

Ralph Wiggum: Time to get in love formation.

Bart Simpson: Your love's more deadly than Saddam.

Nelson Muntz: That's why I've got to drop da bomb.
-- Party Posse "Drop Da Bomb", "New Kids On The Blecch" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Party Posse Tunes 2: "Spell Out What You Mean To Me"

Bart Simpson: I saw you last night at the spelling bee.

Milhouse Van Houten: I knew right then it was L-U-V.

Nelson Muntz: I gotta spell out what you mean to me.

Ralph Wiggum: 'Cause I can no longer be... a silent 'G'.

Party Posse: I've gotta spell out what...

Ralph Wiggum: I gotta spell out what...

Party Posse: I've gotta spell out what you mean to me.
-- Party Posse "Spell Out What You Mean To Me", "New Kids On The Bleech" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Party Posse Tunes: "Special Girl"

Party Posse: Party Posse, we rule the Earth.
The greatest band since music's birth.

Mulhouse Van Houten: We love to sweat, and we love to sing.

Nelson Muntz: We're real funky but nonthreatening.

Ralph Wiggum: We're the best band in the world.

Bart Simpson: But we'd give it all up for that special girl.

Party Posse: You're my special girl.

Nelson Muntz: Special girl!

Party Posse: You're my special girl.

Nelson Muntz: Only you.
-- Party Posse "Special Girl", "New Kids On The Blecch" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Songs of Sadgasm 3: "Margerine"

Spread yellow gunk
On my pancake heart
Country-churned girl
in my grocery cart
I paid for her dreams.
She taught me to cry.
Like watery knives,
like rain from my eyes.
I can't believe you're not mine.
I can't believe you're not mine.
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
-- Sadgasm "Margerine", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Songs of Sadgasm 2: "Shave Me" + Parody

Razorblade of apathy
Shave me with your irony.
Shave me! Shave Me!
-- Sadgasm "Shave Me", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

The Weird Al Parody...

Raisin bread with applesauce
Tony Danza he's the boss
Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!
-- "Weird Al" Yankovic "Brain Freeze", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Songs of Sadgasm: "Politically Incorrect"

Pain is brown.
Hate is white.
Love is black.
Stab the night.
Kingdom of numb.
Closet of hurt.
Feelings are dumb.
Kisses are dirt.
-- Sadgasm "Politically Incorrect", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Homer's Near Forgetfulness of Valentine's Day

(Marge hands out plate of bacon and eggs spelling "I love you")

Marge Simpson: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.

Homer Simpson: (thinking) Special day? Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? Oh, that's crazy talk! She's getting impatient. Take a stab at it! (out loud) Happy... Valentine's Day.

Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you, dear!

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
-- "I Love Lisa" (9F13), The Simpsons (1993)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYBODY

Homer on Stupid Risks

Stupid risks are what make life worth living. Now your mother, she's the steady type and that's fine in small doses, but me, I'm a risktaker. That's why I have so many adventures!
-- Homer Simpson, "Lost Our Lisa" (5F17), The Simpsons (1998)

Everybody Loves Ned Flanders - Love That God

(Ned sees Todd and Rod praying)

Ned Flanders: Knock that off, you two. It's time for church.

Todd Flanders: We're not going to church today.

Ned Flanders: What? You give me one good reason.

Todd Flanders: It's Saturday!

Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-do!
-- "The Front" (9F16), The Simpsons (1993)

Tom Petty's Mindless / Generic Rock Song Lyrics

See that drunk girl speedin' down the street?
She's worried 'bout the state of public schools.
She likes to party, she like to rock,
She prays that our schools don't run out of chalk!
-- Tom Petty, "How I Spent My Strummer Vacation" (DABF22), The Simpsons (2002)

Moe's "Stupid Moron..." Prank Call

Hey everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
-- Moe Szyslak, being prank called by Bart Simpson "Treehouse of Horror II" (8F02), The Simpsons (1991)

Ahmed Adoody

(After Bart gives his prank name Ahmed Adoody to Jack Bauer)

Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoody. Does anyone know Ahmed Adoody?

Chloe O'Brien: Ahmed Adoody, wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afganistan in the late '90s.

Jack Bauer: Really?

Chloe O'Brian: No Jack. it's a joke name. You're being set up!

Jack Bauer: Dammit!
-- "24 Minutes" (JABF14), The Simpsons (2007)

Lisa's Opinion of the Cooders

I was wrong about the Cooders, Dad. They're the nicest of all the transients you've ever brought home.
-- Lisa Simpson, on the Cooders, "Bart Carny" (5F08), The Simpsons (1998)

Lisa's Letter From Kamp Krusty

Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes hve come grim death marches. Our arts and crafts center is, in acutuality, a Dickensian workhouse. Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief that Krusty the Clown will come through. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not sure if this letter will reach you as our lines of communication have been cut. Now, the effort of writing has made me lightheaded. So I close by saying, SAVE US! SAVE US NOW!
-- Lisa Simpson, "Kamp Krusty" (8F24), The Simpsons (1992)

Skinner's Prank Balloon Curse

Oh, it won't come down for months. Curse the man who invented helium. Curse Pierre Jules Cesar Janssen!
-- Seymour Skinner, after trying to catch the prank balloon, "Bart's Comet" (2F11), The Simpsons (1995)

Bart Simpson's T-Shirt Slogans

Check out the cool t-shirt slogans from Bart Simpson:
"Adults Suck, Then You Are One"

"Life Ends at Ten"

"Bored in the USA"

"This Shirt Sucks"

"Everything Sucks"

"Sucking Sucks"

"I've Puked More Beer Than You've Drunk"

"Impeach Everybody"

"Think Globally, Fart Locally"

"Weapon of Ass Destruction"

"My Other T-Shirt Is Also a Joke T-Shirt"

"Pobody's Sherfect, Nithead"<

"I ♥ ♥attacks"

"Jews for Jebus"

"Body by Oreo"

"If You Can Read This the Backpack Fell Off"

"Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Scooby Doo"

"I'm Not Getting Older, I'm Getting Bitter"

"Wish You Were Beer"

"America's Least Wanted"

"Top of the Dude Chain"

"Stop World Hunger, Eat My Shorts"

"Rich Bitch"

"I'm Not Fat, I'm Enormous"
-- From "Fat Man and Little Boy" (FABF21), The Simpsons (2004)