Dr. Rick Marshall, Y U NO SANE?!

Matt Laurer: That was my guest Dr. Rick Marshall, whose book arrives in stores tomorrow.

Dr. Rick Marshall (offscreen): G*****m right it was!

Matt Laurer: You might want to look for it in the "I'm out of my freaking mind" department.
-- Land of the Lost (2009(

Lisa on Self Improvement

Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix. It's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery.
-- Lisa Simpson, "Bart's Inner Child" (1F05), The Simpsons (1993)

Bart's Chalkboard Gags of Season 1

From The Simpsons, Season One (1990):

I will not waste chalk. -- "Bart the Genius" (7G02), 1/14/1990

I will not skateboard in the halls. -- "Homer's Odessey" (7G03), 1/21/1990

I will not burp in class. -- "There's No Disgrace Like Home" (7G04), 1/28/1990

I will not instigate revolution. -- "Moaning Lisa" (7G06), 2/11/1990

I will not draw naked ladies in class. -- "The Call of the Simpsons" (7G09), 2/18/1990

I did not see Elvis. -- "The Telltale Head" (7G07), 2/25/1990

I will not call my teacher "hot cakes". -- "Homer's Night Out" (7G10), 3/25/1990

Garlic gum is not funny. -- "The Crepes of Wrath" (7G13), 4/15/1990

They are laughing at me, not with me. -- "Krusty Gets Busted" (7G12), 4/29/1990

I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom. -- "Some Enchanted Evening" (7G01), 5/13/1990

Gabriel Shear's Discourse

You know what the problem with Hollywood is? They make shit. Unbelievable, unremarkable shit. Now I'm not some grungy wannabe filmmaker that's searching for existentialism through a haze of bong smoke or something. No, it's easy to pick apart bad acting, short-sighted directing, and a purely moronic stringing together of words that many of the studios term as "prose". No, I'm talking about the lack of realism. Realism; not a pervasive element in today's modern American cinematic vision. Take Dog Day Afternoon, for example. Arguably Pacino's best work, short of Scarface and Godfather Part 1, of course. Masterpiece of directing, easily Lumet's best. The cinematography, the acting, the screenplay, all top-notch. But... they didn't push the envelope. Now what if in Dog Day, Sonny REALLY wanted to get away with it? What if - now here's the tricky part - what if he started killing hostages right away? No mercy, no quarter. "Meet our demands or the pretty blonde in the bellbottoms gets it the back of the head." Bam, splat! What, still no bus? Come on! How many innocent victims splattered across a window would it take to have the city reverse its policy on hostage situations? And this is 1976; there's no CNN, there's no CNBC, there's no internet! Now fast forward to today, present time, same situation. How quickly would the modern media make a frenzy over this? In a matter of hours, it'd be biggest story from Boston to Budapest! Ten hostages die, twenty, thirty; bam bam, right after another, all caught in high-def, computer-enhanced, color corrected. You can practically taste the brain matter. All for what? A bus, a plane? A couple of million dollars that's federally insured? I don't think so. Just a thought. I mean, it's not within the realm of conventional cinema... but what if?
-- Gabriel Shear, Operation: Swordfish (2001)

Lurleen Lumpkin Quotes: Your Wife Don't Understand You

Your wife don't understand you,
But I do.
No, your wife don't understand you,
But I do.
I said no one understands you,
But I do.
-- Lurleen Lumpkin, singing Your Wife Don't Understand You, "Colonel Homer" (8F19), The Simpsons (1992)

Party Posse Tunes 4: "Let's Re-Up Tonight"

Milhouse Van Houten: Had a girl in every port
From here to Barcelona.

Nelson Muntz: But now I'm docked in Springfield,
And, girl, I'm gonna phone ya.

Ralph Wiggum: Stormed a lot of beaches,
But you're the one that I missed.

Bart Simpson: Let's get back together, girl!
Let's re-enlist!

Party Posse: So sign me up for a hitch of love.
Recruit my heart.
Four sweet years of love...
Let's march all day
And clean latrines all night.
Don't bust me down.
Let's re-up tonight!
Let's re-up tonight!
-- Party Posse "Let's Re-Up Tonight", "New Kids on the Blecch" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Party Posse Tunes 3: "Drop Da Bomb"

Party Posse: Oh, say can you rock?

Milhouse Van Houten: There's trouble in a far-off nation.

Ralph Wiggum: Time to get in love formation.

Bart Simpson: Your love's more deadly than Saddam.

Nelson Muntz: That's why I've got to drop da bomb.
-- Party Posse "Drop Da Bomb", "New Kids On The Blecch" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Anton Ego's Scathing Review (That Cost Gusteau A Star)

Gusteau has finally found his rightful place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.
-- Anton Ego's scathing review of Gusteau's Restaurant, Ratouille

Party Posse Tunes 2: "Spell Out What You Mean To Me"

Bart Simpson: I saw you last night at the spelling bee.

Milhouse Van Houten: I knew right then it was L-U-V.

Nelson Muntz: I gotta spell out what you mean to me.

Ralph Wiggum: 'Cause I can no longer be... a silent 'G'.

Party Posse: I've gotta spell out what...

Ralph Wiggum: I gotta spell out what...

Party Posse: I've gotta spell out what you mean to me.
-- Party Posse "Spell Out What You Mean To Me", "New Kids On The Bleech" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Party Posse Tunes: "Special Girl"

Party Posse: Party Posse, we rule the Earth.
The greatest band since music's birth.

Mulhouse Van Houten: We love to sweat, and we love to sing.

Nelson Muntz: We're real funky but nonthreatening.

Ralph Wiggum: We're the best band in the world.

Bart Simpson: But we'd give it all up for that special girl.

Party Posse: You're my special girl.

Nelson Muntz: Special girl!

Party Posse: You're my special girl.

Nelson Muntz: Only you.
-- Party Posse "Special Girl", "New Kids On The Blecch" (CABF12), The Simpsons (2001)

Songs of Sadgasm 3: "Margerine"

Spread yellow gunk
On my pancake heart
Country-churned girl
in my grocery cart
I paid for her dreams.
She taught me to cry.
Like watery knives,
like rain from my eyes.
I can't believe you're not mine.
I can't believe you're not mine.
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
Margerine
-- Sadgasm "Margerine", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Y U No Read Me The Miranda Rights?

Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
-- Shrek 2

Songs of Sadgasm 2: "Shave Me" + Parody

Razorblade of apathy
Shave me with your irony.
Shave me! Shave Me!
-- Sadgasm "Shave Me", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

The Weird Al Parody...

Raisin bread with applesauce
Tony Danza he's the boss
Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!
-- "Weird Al" Yankovic "Brain Freeze", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Songs of Sadgasm: "Politically Incorrect"

Pain is brown.
Hate is white.
Love is black.
Stab the night.
Kingdom of numb.
Closet of hurt.
Feelings are dumb.
Kisses are dirt.
-- Sadgasm "Politically Incorrect", "That 90's Show" (KABF04), The Simpsons (2008)

Homer's Near Forgetfulness of Valentine's Day

(Marge hands out plate of bacon and eggs spelling "I love you")

Marge Simpson: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.

Homer Simpson: (thinking) Special day? Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? Oh, that's crazy talk! She's getting impatient. Take a stab at it! (out loud) Happy... Valentine's Day.

Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you, dear!

Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
-- "I Love Lisa" (9F13), The Simpsons (1993)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYBODY

Homer on Stupid Risks

Stupid risks are what make life worth living. Now your mother, she's the steady type and that's fine in small doses, but me, I'm a risktaker. That's why I have so many adventures!
-- Homer Simpson, "Lost Our Lisa" (5F17), The Simpsons (1998)

Rumplestiltskin's Deal of a Lifetime Speech

Hello, people. It is I, Rumplestiltskin, shepard of your dreams. Recently a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre shall receive the deal of a lifetime. Just think of it! Total and complete happiness! Dazzling, radiant fulfullment! All your greatest wishes. Your wildest dreams. Anything you could ever want. No strings attached! But hurry, this is a limited time offer. So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on!
-- Rumplestiltskin, Shrek Forever After (2010)

Everybody Loves Ned Flanders - Love That God

(Ned sees Todd and Rod praying)

Ned Flanders: Knock that off, you two. It's time for church.

Todd Flanders: We're not going to church today.

Ned Flanders: What? You give me one good reason.

Todd Flanders: It's Saturday!

Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-do!
-- "The Front" (9F16), The Simpsons (1993)

Tom Petty's Mindless / Generic Rock Song Lyrics

See that drunk girl speedin' down the street?
She's worried 'bout the state of public schools.
She likes to party, she like to rock,
She prays that our schools don't run out of chalk!
-- Tom Petty, "How I Spent My Strummer Vacation" (DABF22), The Simpsons (2002)

Moe's "Stupid Moron..." Prank Call

Hey everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
-- Moe Szyslak, being prank called by Bart Simpson "Treehouse of Horror II" (8F02), The Simpsons (1991)

Ahmed Adoody

(After Bart gives his prank name Ahmed Adoody to Jack Bauer)

Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoody. Does anyone know Ahmed Adoody?

Chloe O'Brien: Ahmed Adoody, wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afganistan in the late '90s.

Jack Bauer: Really?

Chloe O'Brian: No Jack. it's a joke name. You're being set up!

Jack Bauer: Dammit!
-- "24 Minutes" (JABF14), The Simpsons (2007)

Lisa's Opinion of the Cooders

I was wrong about the Cooders, Dad. They're the nicest of all the transients you've ever brought home.
-- Lisa Simpson, on the Cooders, "Bart Carny" (5F08), The Simpsons (1998)

Call Hancock An A-Hole One More Time...

Bank Robber: I will blow up this entire bulding, you asshole.

Hancock: I really don't like that word.

Bank Robber: I will blow them sky-high and their blood wil be on your hands. Do you hear me asshole?

Hancock: Call me an asshole one more time.
-- Hancock (2008)

Lisa's Letter From Kamp Krusty

Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes hve come grim death marches. Our arts and crafts center is, in acutuality, a Dickensian workhouse. Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief that Krusty the Clown will come through. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not sure if this letter will reach you as our lines of communication have been cut. Now, the effort of writing has made me lightheaded. So I close by saying, SAVE US! SAVE US NOW!
-- Lisa Simpson, "Kamp Krusty" (8F24), The Simpsons (1992)

Skinner's Prank Balloon Curse

Oh, it won't come down for months. Curse the man who invented helium. Curse Pierre Jules Cesar Janssen!
-- Seymour Skinner, after trying to catch the prank balloon, "Bart's Comet" (2F11), The Simpsons (1995)

Penn & Teller on Magic and The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to take a momemt, if we may, to talk about a little something we like to refer to as magic. Picture this: you're at home hosting a birthday party for you daughter, and you just shelled out 50 bucks so some pathetic loser can pull a mangy rabbit out of a flea market hat. At first you might wonder to yourself, "How did he do that?" But then you would just dismiss it as some sort of a trick. And you know something? You'd be right! It's just a trick. It's an example of what we laughingly refer to as stage magic. We're here to tell you that all stage magic is a fraud, a hoax, a sham. It's all based on deception and, yep, lying. Sleight of hand... lies! Transformations... fraud! Dismemberment... ripoff! Fake! All are illusions. What we're here to talk about is real magic. We're gonna bring on a guy now who's the real deal, the genuine article. In fact, he taught us everything we know. And he is featured prominently in the next sequence from the original Fantasia, The Sorcerer's Apprentice. You know, come to think of it, The Sorcerer's Apprentic is a little guy who never speaks up and just kind of messes everything up like him.
-- Penn & Teller, Fantasia 2000 (2000)

The "Fingers Are Too Fat" Phone Recording

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the key pad with your palm now.
-- The phone recording, when Homer tries to dial the power plant with his fat fingers, "King-Size Homer" (3F05), The Simpsons (1995)

Ralph's Funny Response to his Academic Alert

Me fail English? That's unpossible.
-- Ralph Wiggum, finding out on his Academic Alert that he is failing English, "Lisa On Ice" (2F05), The Simpsons (1994)

Bart Simpson's T-Shirt Slogans

Check out the cool t-shirt slogans from Bart Simpson:
"Adults Suck, Then You Are One"

"Life Ends at Ten"

"Bored in the USA"

"This Shirt Sucks"

"Everything Sucks"

"Sucking Sucks"

"I've Puked More Beer Than You've Drunk"

"Impeach Everybody"

"Think Globally, Fart Locally"

"Weapon of Ass Destruction"

"My Other T-Shirt Is Also a Joke T-Shirt"

"Pobody's Sherfect, Nithead"<

"I ♥ ♥attacks"

"Jews for Jebus"

"Body by Oreo"

"If You Can Read This the Backpack Fell Off"

"Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Scooby Doo"

"I'm Not Getting Older, I'm Getting Bitter"

"Wish You Were Beer"

"America's Least Wanted"

"Top of the Dude Chain"

"Stop World Hunger, Eat My Shorts"

"Rich Bitch"

"I'm Not Fat, I'm Enormous"
-- From "Fat Man and Little Boy" (FABF21), The Simpsons (2004)

Doc Emmett Brown's Letter from 1885

Dear Marty,

If my calculations are correct, you will receive this letter immediately after you saw the DeLorean struck by lightning. First, let me assure you that I am alive and well. I've been living happily the last nine months in the year 1885. The lightning bolt that hit the DeLorean caused a gigawatt overload, which scrambled the time circuits, activated the Flux Capacitor and sent me back to 1885.

The overload shorted out the time circuits and destroyed the flying circuits. Unfortunately, the car will never fly again. I set myself up as a blacksmith as a front, while I attempted to repair the damage to the time circuits. Unfortunately, this proved impossible because suitable replacement parts will not be invented until 1947. However, I've gotten quite adept at shoeing horses and fixing wagons.

I have buried the DeLorean in the abandoned Delgado Mine adjacent to the Old Boot Hill Cemetary as shown on the enclosed map. Hopefully it should remain undisturbed and preserved until you recover it in 1955. Inside you will find repair instructions. My 1955 counterpart should have no problem repairing it so that you can drive it back to the future. Once you have returned to 1985, destroy the time machine.

Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to come back to get me. I am perfectly happy living in the fresh air and wide open spaces. And I fear that unneccessary time travel only risks further disruption of the space-time continuum. And please take care of Einstein for me.

I know you will give him a good home. Remember to walk him twice a day and that he only likes canned dog food. These are my wishes. Please respect them and follow them.

And so, Marty, I now say farewell and wish you Godspeed. You've been a good, kind and loyal friend to be, and you made a real difference in my life. I will always treasure our relationship and think on you with fond memories, warm feelings and a special place in my heart.

Your friend in time,
Doc Emmett L. Brown
September 1st, 1885
-- Emmett L. Brown, Back to the Future, Part III (1990)

What Homer Said To Godfrey Jones

From "Homer: Badman" (2F06), The Simpsons (1994)
Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on the gummy Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy... I just wish I had another one right now!
-- Homer Simpson to Godfrey Jones

Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on (*) her (*) sweet can. (*) I grabbed (*) her (*) sweet can. (*) Oh, just thinking about (*) her (*) can (*) I just wish I had (*) her (*) her (*) sweet (*) sweet (*) s-s-s-sweet (*) can.
-- Homer Simpson's statement, "Rock Bottom" version

The Epitaph on Dr. Emmett Brown's Tombstone

Shot in the back by Buford Tannen over a matter of eighty dollars. Erected in eternal memory by beloved Clara.
-- On the tombstone of Dr. Emmett Brown, Back To The Future, Part III (1990)

Weird Al's Simpsons End Credits Song Lyrics

That's the story 'bout Homer and Marge,
Two folks I helped out for a nominal charge,
After Homer went gay, they patched up their schism,
But the dude never dealt with his alcoholism!
"Weird Al" say a...
Oh yeah, the credits go on,
Long after the viewer's interest is gone.
Oh yeah, "Weird Al" had fun on this show,
Even if it was just a brief cameo!
-- Weird Al Yankovic, "Three Gays of the Condo" (EABF12), The Simpsons (2003)